


Careless Whisper

by Yollie183



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Dancing, Drug Abuse, Gen, M/M, Sad, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-10
Updated: 2014-01-10
Packaged: 2018-01-08 05:17:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1128783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yollie183/pseuds/Yollie183
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sonfic from Sherlock's POV during the last part of 'A Sign Of Three' and after.<br/>Song is Careless Whisper (originally by George Michael) but Seether's cover suited the tone better, so try to imagine electric guitars instead of a saxophone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Careless Whisper

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic here, and the first I've written in years, so please be kind, but any comments or critisism is welcome.

CARELESS WHISPER

I feel so unsure  
As I take your hand  
And lead you to the dance floor

In my mind’s eye, I see myself taking his hand, pulling him to the dance floor for a classic waltz. I could almost see the smile in his eyes, the same smile that I’d treasured so much while giving him dancing lessons in my cramped living room. But, even in my imagination there is still lingering doubt in his gaze, the same doubt I feel like a weight in my chest. It’s unfortunate about caring, that even as you experience happiness, there’s always some pain laying in wait. 

As the music dies   
Something in me writhes  
Call to mind a silver screen   
And all its sad goodbyes

The song ends and I put down my violin. I force myself to smile and deliver the last little bit of my speech, then walk off stage. Being me, I accidently deduced that Mary is pregnant. It is happy news, I know that. But my heart still breaks a tiny bit. Ah, I should never have disregarded Mycroft. His advice had been good advice, but now I know that even had I tried, I would never have been able to stop myself from caring about John. He truly was the most remarkable person I had ever known. Would ever know, surely.

I’m never gonna dance again  
These guilty feet have got no rhythm  
Though it’s easy to pretend   
I know you’re not a fool

I remember telling the head bridesmaid that I loved dancing. It was the truth, even though I had only shared it with her because Mary and John had both begged me to act human and not reduce the girl to tears. Now I don’t feel like dancing anymore. My whole body seemed weighed down. I saw John glancing at me from across the room and quickly had my smile back in place. Keeping up appearances, I turned to find the bridesmaid to ask her to dance, but she already had a partner.

I should have known better than to cheat a friend  
And waste the chance that I’ve been given  
So I’m never gonna dance again   
The way I danced with you

I went to the music stand and put the sheet music for John and Mary’s waltz in an envelope addressed to them.   
I knew it was my own doing, this ache that I now felt. If I had let John in on the secret of my suicide then he might never have met Mary, and I might have had a chance to... No. I stopped my thoughts and forced them into another direction. It won’t do to dwell on what-ifs. I needed to harden myself, go back to what I was before John. 

Time can never mend   
The careless whispers of a good friend  
To the heart and mind  
Ignorance is kind  
There’s no comfort in the truth  
Pain is all you’ll find

I systematically started deleting the more painful thoughts from my mind. In my mind palace I walked though the wing where all things John resided, locking the doors to the rooms where I couldn’t bear to enter again. So not deleting then, not really. Merely locking away all the memories that had caused these wretched emotions. By the time I had finished I was on my way out of the reception hall, coat over my arm. I mentally put the keys to all the locked doors into a wooden box and threw it into the moat that surrounded my mind palace.   
Now I could be, in some small way at least, ignorant of my own feelings.

Tonight the music seems so loud  
I wish that we could lose this crowd  
Maybe it’s better this way  
We’d hurt each other with things we wanna say

It was better outside, in the cool air. I pulled on my coat, relishing the familiarity. I had always seen the coat as a type of armour, a way to distance myself from all things human. I walked for a while, in the dark, away from the joviality that had been surrounding me all day. It was better this way, I told myself. Rather put these silly fancies to rest before he and I ended up hurting each other. Or rather, before he ended up hurting me. It might not seem possible to others, but I was only human, with very real emotions, albeit very controlled emotions. I could feel pain, easily. 

We could have been so good together  
We could have lived this dance forever  
Now who’s gonna dance with me

I now had to stop myself from thinking that John and I could ever share any deeper connection. I had to control memories of dancing lessons and laughter and easy banter. I knew that no other dancing partner would ever be the same as him, even though he had two left feet. I smiled at the memory, only to immediately feel a tear on my cheek. I wiped in away angrily. No! I was not this weak. I was not this fallible. 

But even so, a traitorous part of me wished for John’s voice calling after me:

Please stay!

Back home in 221B Baker Street, I pulled a small box from the top of my closet. I took it to the living room and emptied its contents on the table, selecting what I needed.  
I tied a tourniquet around my bicep, found a vein and injected the heroin. Even the sharp sting of the needle was pleasurable. I breathed a sigh and lay back on the couch, closing my eyes.  
As if from far away I heard myself whisper a name.  
“John...”


End file.
